Insomia

Lights out.
I study the stillness of the dark
My eyes roam everywhere,
My only company: the baby-like cries
Of rampant foxes outside
And my sister's heavy breathing.
She sleeps in a fetal position.
I am filled with envy
Eyes green, glowing in the dark.
I wish I could sleep right now.
Maybe in another realm
My brain wouldn't be in overdrive
And I would be able to survive
The sick feeling in my gut
That shoots up to my throat
Forming a huge lump of emotion.
I have to snatch breaths
To stop yourself from crying.
The type you know once it melts
It will melt, flow everywhere
Soak you up.
It will wet the bed and wake
Your little sister
When she asks what's happening
You would just sheepishly
Tell her to go back to bed
As if it's easy to fall asleep
In a soaked bed.
So I just hold the lump.
Let it choke me
Inbetween shallow breaths.

Schemes swirl in my head.
I plan how I'll confront him
Pretend not to be hurt.
If I act upset he might
Actually think I care.
I convince myself,
It's not me who is hurt.
Just my pride that's all.
A few bruises here and there.
Deep down knows the truth
Of the full battering of my feelings.
The choking my ego received
But to admit, would be to
Say yes I care.
The clock by the bed blinks 0432.
Such an awkward time.
Or laughing at his jokes
When all you really wish for
Is long nails to scratch the
Fuck out of his eyes.

I try to count sheep
Hoping that would bring me sleep
Instead I wonder why he can't
Be mine alone.
Mine to keep.
She would just have to be
The one to fuck off.
I hate her. Hate him,
Myself and the fact that even
With this evidence before me
I will not let him go.
She's cute. Nothing on me though.

I think to myself,
If love were easy,
I would have fucked her by now
Just so I could brag like
Been there, done that.
Literally.